Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Islamic Logic Gains a Foothold in Western Thought

Al-Jaz Networks
Dateline 27 Sept 06

In an astonishing change to established academic standards, the Global Logicians Society, with worldwide membership, today sanctioned the inclusion of The Logic of Coercion as primary rule of logic acknowledged as valid. As such, says the Cambridge-based academic society, traditional Western Logic, founded on the rules of logic as set forth by Aristotle and honed by such great minds as David Hume, Bertram Russell and Kurt Godel will now be joined with Jihad Logic, or simply Islamic Logic.

Traditionally, the study of logic, encompassing Informal Logic, Formal Logic, and Symbolic Logic, used rules set out through the processes of inference and deduction. Those established principles of validity will now be joined by Islamic Logic, or the Logic of Coercion.

Strictly speaking, there have been two main branches of Logic for making valid observations and conclusions:

Inference - arrives at conclusions obtained from several observations which may lead to true and valid pronouncements if all the components of the argument are themselves true. Testing of these premises can be obtained by further observations. Inductive reasoning is believed to support the conclusions but do not ensure it. An example of such reasoning might go as follows:

A Jihadist is rationally unstable.
Since rationally unstable people are suicidal
A jihadist is suicidal.

Deduction - conclusions of valid deductive reasoning are always true if the premises are true. A deduction is a sequence of statements such that each statement can be derived from the preceding one. An example of such reasoning might go as follows:

Alli is a jihadist
Alli is suicidal
Therefore Jihadists are suicidal.

Coercion - arguments based on coercion can be true if the forcefulness of the coercive means is strong enough to over-ride intuition and to present itself as a valid threat to the life and limb. This has lately been seen to hold a stronger argument that either the deductive or the inferential analyses. An example of such reasoning might go as follows:

Muslims do not kill people.
If you insult a Muslim by calling him a killer
then the Muslim must kill you so you cannot make false statements about him or his religion.

"What we're dealing with here is real life, whereas before [with purely inductive or deductive logic] we were only concerned with abstract proofs and syllogisms," explains current Global Logicians Society President and Chair of the Wertz School of Logic and Philosophy, Dr. Arnold Levits. "We really wish we wouldn't have do make these changes, but we have no choice. The "logic of our time" or Islamic Logic, has forced us to acknowledge these arguments as valid, and no one has had the courage to step forward to dispel the binding hold it has over us. We've never had "Logic Wars" in the past and there shouldn't be any need to start something like that now. We feel the very concept of challenging this new branch of logic is downright dangerous and therefore must be avoided. Given the dire consequences, such as injury or death, we see no other choice but to cave in and sanction this line of thinking. What else would you have us do?"

Historically, the Islamic world has been a very important contributor to various branches of science throughout history. Some of these include: Mathematics Astronomy Medicine Chemistry

"We're not just talking about camel jockeys and ragheads with bombs under their turbans," says Dr. Levits. "We're talking truly great minds contributing to the development of legitimate science. How are we to know if this latest gift of logic isn't another brilliant contribution to the development of Western Civilization?"

Dr. Ralph Bernard, Chair of The Lounge at MIT adds, "This new branch of logic might even find its way into computing. Can you imagine the application of coercive logic when a Windows operating system or a in-built Windows program attempts to dominate a non-Windows application? Something like this could have rendered the Bill Gates-led domination of the computer world as totally harmless 10 years ago. The logic board could simply be set to destroy any and all programs attempting to steal CPU cycles -- there would have been no monopoly charges against Windows Corporation because the computer could have purged any such efforts by Windows software to take things over. Billions of dollars could have been saved."

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Bin Laden Dead

Numerous reports from our sources in the intelligence services confirm reports in the media that Osama Bin Laden is dead. He is said to have died from typhoid on August 23rd. Efforts to locate his remains and the remants of his supporters continue apace.

On Friday, NATO and coalition forces reported killing 47 Al Qaeda and Taliban members in border areas. Additionally, an Al Qaeda operational unit commander was captured along with planning documents, communication equipment, and a laptop computer that has already been exploited to kill and capture terrorists in addition to the 47 reported killed on Friday.

Other sources:

OBL Dead.

Osama Bin Laden Dead.

Rumors are circulating in intelligence circles that the Iranians fear, with the death of Bin Laden and the ongoing encirclement and seige of Zawahiri, that the attention of US forces will now be more robustly directed at undermining the ruling clique. Demonstrations throughout the country continue over food and cooking oil shortages and the failure of the central government to pay workers. Several Revolutionary Guard members were reportedly killed in clashes with the resistance in Arak when the resistance captured the Guard's armory and its weapons stores.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Reactions to the Pope's Insults Now Being Felt

Al-Jaz Networks
Dateline 20 Sept 06

In an unprecedented outbreak of rage and mindless violence, Muslims in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq today went on the widest killing spree yet seen in this modern day. Following Wednesday evening's instructions and prayers of local Imams, who were attempting to explain why all Islam should be outraged by the recent words of Pope Benedict XVI's chastisement against the violence inherent in Islamic religion, crazed Muslims took to the streets in droves. In fact, the violence and killing started even before leaving the Mosque.

Because 99.7% of Muslims have no idea who or what a Pope is, the translation of this message was almost universally taken to be "Popa" or "poppa", rendered in regional slang as the equivalent to "father." Thus, son's began butchering their fathers. There are reports of middle aged men killing their fathers, only to be killed in turn by their adolescent sons. Some regions reported children torching the homes of their parents, which in many instances also claimed the lives of their mother's and siblings.

In a statement to the Al-Jaz reporter, Ali Azaluda, a prominent social analyst in Kabul, said, "Well, it's only natural. If someone accuses Islam of being a violent religion, then that person must be killed. That is an insult to Islam, which is inherently non-violent and peaceful. If these statements continue to be made, then I encourage a continuation of this killing spree as a way of stopping all these false statements by infidel pigs who have no right to breath the air of this earth. If a son is required to kill his father, then so be it. Let no one say we are violent!" Both the reporter and Azaluda were killed shortly after this interview by Azaluda's two youngest sons, who slashed them to pieces with swords and knives.

The violence is continuing to spread, perhaps even faster than the violence follow the depiction of Mohammed in European cartoons. Reports of crowds chanting "Kill poppa! Kill poppa!" have been heard as far west as the Sinai and into Egypt.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Airport Security Stops Terrorist

Al-Jaz Networks
Dateline 18 Sept 06

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Orders Issued for Tactical Nuclear Strikes

Al-Jaz Networks
Dateline 14 Sept 06

We have confirmed reports that the United States Pentagon has issued orders for use of nuclear weapons in Iraq and possibly in Afganistan.

A senior spokesperson in Washington, DC has made the following statement to our Al-Jaz News reporter:
"Our military personnel in the Middle East have been notified that they are now authorized to use tactical nuclear weapons upon clearance of their Commanding Officers. Use of tactical nuclear weapons will be limited to the Operation that makes that request, and is not at this time an Open Authorization. Use of these weapons is currently limited to situations where insurgency assaults have left our military personnel with no alternative for the completion of their mission, or in instances where we have a confirmed report of the gathering of any large number of insurgents or other enemy combatants. All measures will be taken to limit the collateral damage to civilian lives and property."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

New Rules of Engagement

Reports from our representatives on the front lines tell of a change in the rules of engagement. From this point forward no effort to avoid civilian casualties will be made. Terrorists hiding behind the skirts of women and the toys of children will from this point forward be solely responsible for the death of those women and children.

Women and children are urged to flee areas in which terrorists operate and to leave their husbands, sons, and fathers who have embraced terrorism. There will be no attempt to provide for the safety for any person, of whatever gender or age, in the company of terrorists.

Further information indicates that protected status will no longer be accorded to mosques, cemeteries, or burial grounds hosting terrorists or their supporters. The peaceful faithful are urged to flee those areas where terrorists are taking advantage of the formerly protected status of these buildings and locations.

These changes are effective immediately.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Bin Laden Hung

by anti-terror protesters. (Scroll down).

Fed up with the publicitiy whoring of Muslim terrorists, millions around the world took to the streets promising to hunt down and humiliate terrorists and their sympathizers.

In related news, The GLF announced wide ranging attacks on a broad front againt al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and Hamas targets over the weekend. The group stated that al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and Hamas losses were, in an understatement, significant. Quantities of weapons, funds, passports, and marital aids were seized.